Touch

Touch
By D'Alaire
November 15, 1998
Summary: A coda to Extreme Risk and Once Upon A Time, in which Tom and B'Elanna take steps in reaffirming their relationship after a period of distance. Another vignette story, it was inspired by a PTF challenge, which included the Hall & Oates song (which [9/9/2000] I finally heard 10 mos. later), "If a Promise Ain't Enough." Ta to Mrs. Mac. for the pizza idea.
Rated PG-13.

        Touch

She walked into the holodeck and stared at the grid patterns.
He walked out of the shower and crossed for his robe.
She opened her mouth to command the computer.
He touched instead her robe hanging there, beside his.
Why haven't I put it away?
She turned and left instead.
He brought the sleeve of her robe up to his nose, took in her lingering scent, and the traces of the lotion she always used.
He missed her.
He put on his robe and went to his closet, remembering.
How long ago was it?

       Don't wanna open your heart
       You're afraid from the start
       That a new love's gonna
       let you down

Their eyes met briefly. B'Elanna was finishing up the last of the double checks and triple checks on the Delta Flyer when Tom passed her, stopping to look back for a moment before taking the conn.
His mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out. She straightened, eyes a bit wider, then lit with caution as the others began to file in.
Please. Not here.
He understood, or at least he thought he did.
Quickly, she went back to work.

       There is something
       you should know
       Before you give up and go

Having packed her equipment, she was tempted to go forward, say something, wish him luck at least. But Tom was busy, talking to Tuvok, checking the systems. Everything looked good. He made a joke, specifically intended to raise a comment from the Vulcan.
B'Elanna grinned at that.
A few moments later, Tom turned and saw her gone.

       I don't believe in the run around
       I just want to define myself
       And show you how I feel

She was to the cargo bay door when a hand pulled her to the side, and she looked up with a combination of gladness and hesitancy when she found it was him. He opened his mouth to speak again, but instead smiled knowingly--or resignedly--as it closed.
Tom just stared at her, and B'Elanna held his gaze. Both allowed it, allowed the myriad reactions of that contact to pass through them. Neither broke it.
"Your robe's still in my bathroom," he finally said, very softly, almost sadly, for her ears alone though they stood not too very close.
She didn't reply, but turned up her lips briefly to acknowledge that.
"I miss you."
"I know."
He nodded.
She drew a slow breath.
"Do you want it back? Your robe, I mean?"
"No. Leave it there."
Her words were quiet, plain, but his grin warmed, and he brought his hand up to softly touch her cheek. The mere feel of her skin coursed through his body.
She opened her mouth at the warmth of his touch, blinked very slowly, breathed deeply. Then, so slightly, she pressed into it, moving so the touch became a light stroke.
It was all he needed to know, and she knew that.
It was all she needed to know, and he knew that.

       Does my touch say anything to you
       I'm not afraid to take time
       Cause I know you'll find
       That I'm real and my touch is true

He busied himself with work, playing with the sensors, running diagnostics, chatting with Sam as she prepared the sample canisters. From time to time he'd throw a quip Tuvok's way, a common distraction.
She walked into his quarters and found her robe in the bathroom. Beside it hung his own. Hesitantly, as if she were being watched somehow, or might be interrupted, she drew the sleeve to her nose and took in his scent. Once there, she lingered. She remembered him well.
He walked into the rear of the shuttle, knelt on the deck, aimed his tricorder at the samples they'd beamed in. As it compiled the data, his eyes drifted to the place where B'Elanna had been earlier that day.

       It's taken a lifetime to find my heart
       And I give it all to you

B'Elanna sat on her bed alone, wrapped in his robe. A tiny smile crossed her, even as her heart ached.
How long ago was that?
Tom sat back in his bunk with a cup of coffee, staring at nothing, though his eyes moved as he thought. Ironically, his lips turned up as his eyes turned down, warm with memory.
B'Elanna pulled the collar around her ears and onto her face.
Knowing it was a memory, Tom's smile turned bittersweet.

       It took a lifetime to find what I want
       I won't let it get away

Damnit, I'm not going to die. Not like this. I can't.
He activated the log anyway.
I'm not giving up that damned easily.
She grabbed her tricorder. Her eyes flicked across the readings. Not enough. She hit the wall in frustration.
Damnit, I'm won't lose him. Not now.
This isn't right. I can't do this to her, to us, to them. I can't go.
He kept talking anyway. He tried to imagine her there with him. Feel her. He didn't want to do this.
I can't accept this.
Not yet. Not now. Not after...
She watched the rock disintegrate, slowly. Too slowly.
My God, have I ever...Have I? Does she know?
He bent his head, wished he could walk away, knew well he couldn't. He forced his eyes back to Sam.

          If a Promise ain't enough
         Then a touch says everything

"Did you envision a more heroic death?"
"I didn't envision dying at all."
"In accepting the inevitable, one finds peace."
He had done that once already, and there was only longing.
All he could feel was the emptiness of his arms, remember it, the sound of her laughter, the feel of her touch, her warmth, her scent, her taste....There in him remained that sweet memory, one of many, unfaded, now marked with the regret...or perhaps the regret of having not regretted before, or ever.
Does she know?
"If that's another Vulcan saying, Tuvok, I'll stick with live long and prosper."
Oh God, does she still know...?
He heard the sounds above.

         Got to hold you in my arms
         Till you feel what I mean

He stared at her, then the robe in her arm, then at her again.
She came here while I was gone?
"I borrowed it," she said simply.
Why am I so nervous?
He nodded slowly. His eyes searched her. "Have you had dinner?"
I need to be with this woman.
"Is that an invitation?"
I need to be near this man.
"Do you want it to be?" He took a step back from the door. He drew a breath to calm the quake inside himself.
She took a step in, let him take the robe from her. He passed into the bathroom, returned empty handed. "What are we having?" Her heart was racing.
He let her pass and the door close, offered her a casual grin.
She crossed her arms even as she returned the expression.
How long has it been?
Why is this so frightening?
He shrugged, keeping her curious gaze in his lightened one, suggested softly, "How about some pizza?"
Suddenly, thankfully, B'Elanna laughed. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"
"Did you expect I'd forget?" Tom grinned and held out his hand.
Please take it this time.
She took it.
Thank God.
They let their hands, softly clutching, warm between them, and in them.
<<It's been too long.>>
<<But it wasn't that long ago.>>
He helped her to sit before moving to make their dinner. Once faced with the replicator, his lip curled up.
She rolled her eyes at his selection.

   Know that my heart just tells me
   what to say

He watched her struggle with the slice he handed her, unable to hide his amusement. He'd put extra cheese on it again. He had to see her reaction, and wasn't disappointed.
She was wise to him, gave him an evil grin as she took a small bite. This time, she'd be careful. She wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of making her...It didn't work.
But his finger caught the dripping cheese before it touched her chest that time. "Wait till I move you up to mozzarella sticks."
"That'll be the day," she laughed and scooped up another stream of cheese in a finger, sticking it in his mouth. The ineloquent string carelessly drizzled down his chin.
Tom snorted and tried to get it in his mouth. "Okay, we're even," he managed between chuckles.
"Maybe."
"What do you mean maybe?"
"You got me better that time."
"But you didn't mind my cleaning you up, did you?"
"Exactly. Maybe."
He laughed again. "Well, when you put it that way..."
She watched him good-naturedly recover himself, smiled more when his eyes shone towards hers.
He hadn't seen her look at him that warmly since the last time....
She hadn't felt so relaxed with him in too long....
Eventually, they broke their gaze. More willingly, they continued their meal. That time, they finished it. Yet being there, in each other's company, simply together again, had come more easily than they expected.
It was another step.

       But words can only prove so much
       If a Promise Ain't Enough

He caressed aside the cloth of her robe, kissed what lay underneath, took in its scent, warmed it with his breath. Drawing up his head, Tom smiled gently into B'Elanna's eyes. He touched her parted lips with a finger, felt the quiver beneath it as he traced her mouth.
He felt the water crawl just slightly into his eyes as her small, soft fingers tentatively explored the lines of his face, through his hair and down to his shoulder.
<<Too long.>>
She paused, eyes locked to his, nervous but wanting, but finally slipped her fingers beneath the collar there. She blinked, looked down at what she was doing.
"If you're not ready..." he whispered, letting it trail away.
"I don't know if I am or not," she admitted with no greater volume.
When she looked up to him again, he stared deeply into her. There was so much there. He did not move.
I need her.
"But I know I want to be ready," she finished.
"I want you to be, too," he said.
Her fingers traced the line of his neck. Stopped. Yet remained. "I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"That...that it'll be different. It's been a while. --I remember, but...I'm afraid I won't feel the same as I did....I want to, Tom."
"Let me touch you, then?" he softly suggested, pressed his lips just aside her own, then, tenderly, slowly, upon her jaw, almost shyly. "Let me let you feel what I do?" He took a breath. "I want you to know again, B'Elanna. I want us to know....Don't be afraid to tell me to stop, just...let's try."
The request came thickly through his throat.
She touched the corner of his eye where the tear had formed, and he nuzzled into her touch. His gaze filled with need, with many needs.
She knew those needs too well. "I want you to."

            Hold onto my love

She touched his hair, sighing deeply.
His hands slowly revealed her to him.
His lips found her skin, tasting.
His fingers recollected her, warming.
"This will never be everything," he whispered against her. "It'll never be enough."
"It doesn't have to be," she breathed.
He bent his head again, tenderly shared his touch.
Her caress reflexively tightened; a soft moan escaped her flickering smile.
He touched her more deeply still.

         Though my words can't describe
         How I'm feeling all inside

They released their breath.
Her fingers twitched against his moistened nape as her body ebbed. His lips closed upon the muscle of her shoulder, descending. It was almost like shock. They did not move. They did not want to move.
A minute passed in their stillness.
Their eyes slowly closed.
He could barely speak, but he did.
"Do you know, B'Elanna...?"
"Yes."

(fin)

song lyrics by Hall & Oates
inspiration by Fever and Mrs. Mac
(c) D'Alaire M., November, 1998

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