The Word Painter: Acceptance (A Coda)
by D'Alaire
February 1, 2007
An LJ meme challenge, what happened [*] years later in [*] fanfic? Dr. Lense wanted to know what happened two years after WP ended. This was my answer.
Acceptance
"You must know, however, this shall not please her."
Janeway gave him a look.
The tableau on the floor was poetic in its way, one figure motionless, feet bare and uniform tunic removed, her short, chestnut curls spread out around her head. The other, smaller, thinner, loomed above, her legs spread gracefully out from the hem of her long coat, leaning on an elbow across the other's waist as she held the other's hand. Her expression showed a state of utter concentration; like the rest of her, her bright hazel eyes did not divert, and she hardly blinked in the minutes--fifteen, thirty, forty-five and counting--that passed.
"How much longer will this take?" Janeway asked.
"As long as is necessary," Ara answered simply.
They had expected it eventually.
There had been difficulties since they had been brought upon the Voyager; from the first conversation with her upon her resuscitation in sickbay, they knew Susan would require more care than Kurt would. Two years and six more attempts to correct the errors in the resequencing protocols, and most of the crew were surprised Susan had continued to request the procedure. Anai and Ara were not, of course. They understood why the now youthful woman would not want to carry the one thing Susik Kichyrn could never let go, particularly when she did not feel like it belonged to her. Susik had not wanted her young self to carry it, either, if she must live.
Susan had taken a lover, Alec. They had dated before the incident in the nebula. They mingled casually soon after Voyager's misfortune had made many of the career Starfleet wonder about the use of staying single. They had a good time, slept together once. Then the Starfleet schedule resumed, and their concentration reverted to the work they depended on and knew above all other things. Not long after her recovery in Sickbay two years ago, however, and after some advances on Alec's part, Susan began to reevaluate her priorities.
"I'd lived this life," she told her captain a few months after they had left Irllae, when asked how she was handling things, "in a place I've never seen. I had everything I never thought I could have, and in a much worse situation at first." She soon realized that she had those things because she decided to have them--decided not to deny herself some diversions because of war or oppression or hopelessness.
"And look what I got for it," she said another time.
She remembered the husband. She could hear his voice swimming in her mind. She swore some nights that she could feel his hands caressing her skin, his lips caressing her shoulder, his body sliding against hers, warm, soft... She woke from such erotic dreams she'd never had before, and barely knew how to handle. He invaded her daytime, too. She could hear him whispering in her ear, laughing, suggesting... Did Susik Kichyrn feel the same throughout her life? Was she invaded by his memory so? Was that why she never married the man who did remain?
"Why don't I remember him?" she complained to Anai. "You say this Gatra was my partner for sixty-something years, and I remember a man I had less than four?"
Anai smiled gently at the dark-haired girl on the other side of her floorcloth. "It was said among us that Aldrun was your spirit's partner," she explained. "Such a bond knows no time. Though you professed no belief, you had maintained your husband's place accordingly. Gatra understood this and felt no pain for it."
Susan didn't bother to try to understand. The more she learned about Desalians, the less she understood. Knowing she'd lived part time among them for the remainder of her lifetime and even had a child who had embraced that culture was confusing enough. Knowing she was mother to an entire house--two houses on two worlds, in fact... But she tried not to go there. That was too much. Even when Anai began to relate the particulars of her life after the war she'd wisely stayed out of, Susan told her to stop.
"Leave the past where it is," she said. "I know enough." The dead husband and forgotten mate were as much as she could handle. But she did see that she'd gained strength through her experiences in that place, had learned to be decisive for her personal good. She'd built a life from nothing and had been for the most part satisfied, according to Anai.
She could manage that again, she figured. So, she accepted Alec's offer when they met in the holodeck and got to talking. Naturally, it turned to what had happened to her on that bizarre away mission. He had been at the Allanois' house when Anai had told the "word paintings" and had intently followed Susan's history there, her change from a signed-for-life Starfleet officer to Antral mother and data liaison.
"That's not the person I'm asking out, though," he smiled. She smiled back. They were lovers within the month, comfortably working dates and dinner into their schedules. He was so self-assured and interesting, so good to see after a long shift above diagnostics determined to thwart her every wit, Susan wondered why she had stopped dating him before.
The third time they had sex, pressed together in kisses and touches, their heat fully met and readily stoking, the words began to flow from her lips. "Eald huulid megei, Alec; sincjablid ea osci fi..."
He slowed then stopped, staring at her. Her smile had not faded; her hands still moved over him. She did not realize what she'd said. Seeing this, Alec stroked her hair, kissed her again. "Are you all right?"
"Yes," she answered, a little perplexed at his question, but desirous enough to continue that she made certain he did, and in way she knew would please them most readily. She knew many ways about that. It was second nature to her.
It was beyond anything Alec had ever experienced.
The next morning, he told her about the language slip; then, in a roundabout way, he asked about their very interesting lovemaking. He had to ask, as his limbs were still trembling five hours later. Her dumb gaze melted into embarrassment then indignation as she, too, realized what had happened.
"Why the hell didn't you stop me?" she demanded.
His first response stuck in his throat. Finally, he managed, "I don't know. It was the moment."
"It was that good, hmm?"
He met her cold query with the truth. "Yes, it was." He took her hands. "But I didn't think it wasn't you, Sue, not until I could think about it again. And even then, I still think it was you."
"It doesn't sound like it. It...it couldn't have been."
"Do you remember it, though? What we did last night?"
Taking a moment to think, and indeed recall, she slowly nodded. "I do." She stared at him. "It was me, wasn't it? But...not me now."
Shaken and pale, she was in sickbay ten minutes later, asking the Doctor to scan her. He reminded her that her neurology had been altered, but not replaced. Especially as it was happening already, she would likely always have shadows of her past crawl up upon her.
"Shove them down again," she coolly replied.
He complied--repeatedly. After a few months, the neuro-pathways reverted, and he resequenced them again. After the third time, Susan left a standing order for the Doctor to repeat the procedure when he saw fit.
Alec insisted on being there for her, even when she, embarrassed by her increasingly unpredictable behavior, tried to ward him off.
Ara grinned at Susan when she admitted to her weak attempts. Setting the last constrictor pin into the subspace field generator he and his bondmate had begun to construct, he told her, "Men have long been attracted to your need, Susan. It is not what retains them, yet it draws them closely to you. Allow this to be. It is but your nature, and Alec is a good man."
"More fatherly advice?" Susan asked sardonically.
"Ka, and good advice as well."
She did not credit him for her decision, but she did accept Alec's support.
A year later, the generator was ready. Voyager now searched for a fissure or eddy that would allow them easier access to a subspace layer. The new field generator would encircle Voyager and protect its passage on that greatly shortened journey. Excited by their hope, many of the crew had put every ounce of their spare time into the project Anai and Ara worked nonstop on. Susan was among them: running analyses, testing parameters, learning everything the elders were willing and able to teach, and looking for that subspace eddy.
Then it happened again.
"I have the data, Joe," Susan said from her station, her fingers still flying over the LEDs.
"Great. Transmit the numbers to Vorik and we can start on the backups."
"Meda," Susan answered.
Carey looked over at her, and then quietly tapped a note in to the Doctor, as they had been requested to when she slipped like that. "Meda," he had learned, was Antral for "now"--their equivalent of, "Yes, sir." So, at least she was still in the room. The last time she had a big problem, she wasn't quite so much.
"How's it looking, Susan?" he asked purposefully.
"Doku laru si blejidri," Susan told him. "Vorik, saru kradrulla ea fadu nasorl..."
On she continued, increasingly to herself as she continued her job. Watching the numbers transmitted to his console become less intelligible, Carey closed out her station and contacted the Doctor.
The EMH hummed to himself then said, "I'll prepare the chamber and send Anai. I believe she's still on deck eleven."
The numbers made absolutely no sense by then, and Susan had wandered away from her station, talking quietly to herself and waving her hands around in typically Antral gestures. Carey followed her as much as he could without losing sight of the entrance. He waved away the other crew, who knew what was happening but couldn't help their curiosity. Though Engineering was the last place one went for privacy, the woman deserved a little dignity. Even so, he knew what a disruption it was becoming.
"I can't keep having this happen," he said to himself. He was a patient man, but he'd have to speak to the captain about Nicoletti's position there. Maybe if she worked with Anai and Ara on a full-time basis, they could keep a better eye on her, too.
Just as he'd thought of them, one half of Voyager's Desalian complement strode into Engineering, her coat swishing against her shins, the loose parts of her long, scarved hair swinging in counter-rhythm. Soon, her intent gaze met his, asking with a glance then finding her old friend, such as she was. "My thanks, Joe. I shall care for her now."
"Can I ask you something?" Carey queried. "Is this always going to happen?"
"This cannot be answered," Anai replied. "Your forgiveness for its inconvenience to you, yet this matter is not for me to control." Patting his arm, Anai, moved forward and approached the lady who tapped possibly every wrong button on the panel before her and answered her own questions. Looking at a nearby crewman, a nod told her the panel had been deactivated. Anai touched Susan's shoulder. "You remain quite busy, good lady."
Susan looked over. "Anai," she smiled. Her inflection was Antral.
Anai motioned to a bench near an access hatch. "May I meet with you?"
"Is there trouble, my friend?"
Anai blinked, drew a slow breath then led the woman to the bench to sit. "This shall sound odd, yet it must be asked: Where are we?"
Susan laughed. "What are you talking about, where are we?"
"Indulge me, good lady. What are we about just now?"
"We work in the gylav catacombs, of course, retrieving the Antral ministerial records this day. Why must you ask?" She turned her gaze askance. "What has Novren been up to this time?"
Anai blinked again, placing Susan's words, and knowing a moment later when it had been said--five years past the war's end. Susik Kichyrn mined for those records for several years while still living full time on Antral. When she brought them back to the capital city and successfully restored them to the systems she had a large hand in rebuilding, she was celebrated as a heroine of the people, the Kichyrn family being named as Most Honorable. For her daughter and family's sake, Susik accepted every accolade, but she did so knowing she was also covering up a good deal of personal mischief on Novren Pridalar's part. The easily instated Antral High Commissioner was efficient and strong and quickly brought his people together, but peace bored him. He made up for it with gallivanting the bars and brothels, much to Susik Kichyrn's disgust.
"I bring no news of him," Anai calmly replied. Taking her friend's hand, she stroked her youthful skin and let her gaze penetrate Susan's dark blue eyes. "Would you walk with me?"
Susan shook her head. "I cannot. I am only in the first cluster and should not stop until I have at least a third. Return at evening meal and I can promise you an entire dinner at the house."
Anai let a few moments pass, and then said, "Bear you recollection of some years past, when we discussed what would be done when the Voyager brought itself?"
Susan furrowed her brow. "Yes. What has that to do with the catacombs?"
Anai stroked her hand again. "Susik, we do not sit in the catacombs," she told her softly. "We do not sit upon Desal. Voyager brought itself, and the resequencing was committed to."
Susan stared long at the regent before her, examining her face, her hair and her hands. She saw the woman she knew. Looking out, the white bedrock corridors and computer niches still surrounded her. Scholars, mostly young, a few elders, all happily about their work, passed by with simple greetings, light bows. Looking back into Anai's steady stare, confusion began to rise into her expression. "I do not understand."
"Susik, you are upon Voyager, in Engineering, and your memories have overtaken you once again. Your mind projects your past, not your reality. The resequencing must be repeated."
"Repeated?"
"There have been six attempts. They all enjoyed only temporary success."
Susan paused. The echoes continued unabated, her vision did not shift with a blink. No, she was there. It had to be a joke, a trick...though Anai would never do such a thing. It was not in her nature to. Even Ara would not jest about such a matter. But how could it be true? How could her eyes lie so readily to her?
"How is she?" came a voice down the corridor.
Susan looked to see who it was. Craning her head, she saw a novitiate speaking quietly to Miztri. "But what is she doing here? I thought she and Dalra were at the Ivlisan capital silag dedication."
Anai looked back and reached up to touch Susan's temple. Feeling the energy there, Anai blinked slowly. "Look again, my friend."
Susan started back that time as the soft white robes and yellow-green coat transformed into the black and red of a crisp Starfleet uniform. Long, light auburn braids with streaks of grey deepened, dwindled then reappeared pinned atop the head of Captain Janeway. As the woman approached, Susan shuddered. "You...you do not belong here. You wait outside the Barrier."
Janeway sighed through a smile she held with great effort. "Not anymore, Lieutenant."
The catacombs began to melt away, white to blue, black and steel, robes to tunics, filtered sun to generated light. Susan sat very still as it happened; only her eyes darted as she felt reality crawl around and about her, and then upon her very skin when her clothing shifted from thick, burgundy jossa to black synthetic. She felt hot. Her skull pounded a few times then settled into a mild headache. Only when she saw the kraja-marked hand fall from her temple and reclaim her fingers did she realize that Anai had brought her there.
Susan slumped. "The resequencing failed."
"Ka."
"Kurt?"
"He has fared well, has suffered no complications."
Susan snorted. "Yes. He would." She drew a deep a breath. "I suppose I must decide what to do. Apparently, I have chosen to continue trying this procedure."
"Ka, one the Doctor, Ara and I have improved; however it is not perfected."
"I know why I want it." Looking at Anai, and then Janeway, Susan raised her chin in defiance of the captain's curious expression. "I do not want to live like this."
"And if there's no alternative?" Janeway asked.
"I assure you, Captain Janeway," Susan replied, straightening her back as well, "there is always an alternative."
The captain raised her brow at the firmness of the young woman's tone, but she offered no response.
Anai stood, leading the woman to stand by her. "Let us take ourselves, then."
Susan went without hesitation.
Outside the doors to Sickbay, she looked up and saw a tall, handsome man in a black and blue uniform waiting for them. As they approached, he pushed himself off the bulkhead and planted his feet, obviously prepared to resist whatever he believed she would say to him. Turning her fingers at him before he could speak, Susan stared up into his clear blue eyes. The man was just old enough to be her great grandchild, but she felt her heart beat at that contact.
She had been living a life there that time. Even without the memories, Susan was changed.
"Indeed, there is always an alternative," she quietly reiterated then touched his hand.
Three hours later, Alec still sat at the console next to Kes, intently watching the monitors with her with occasional glance at the patient and the scholar on the floor. His department was astrophysics, but over the past couple of years, he'd been getting a crash course in neurology. What they witnessed that time, however, was well beyond neurological manipulation. The monitors spoke a foreign language to them now.
The Doctor stood aside. He could do nothing at that point but occasionally wave a tricorder at Anai and Susan then try to analyze what it picked up. And wait.
Kathryn Janeway returned a second time to check on the progress. Striding through the doors in her usual fashion, she went straight to the one person who might give her an answer. But Ara, who continued to watch without distraction, could only sense his bondmate's progress, not articulate it. "No translation would adequately express what is felt," he told her without affect. "You must know, however, this shall not please her."
"How much longer will this take?"
"As long as is necessary."
"And this time she'll be stable?"
"Nature tends to be, as has been our own stern lesson."
Taken by the turn of his tone, Janeway peered at him again. "You sound disappointed, Ara."
"Age merely bears upon me just now," Ara replied. "Our fate has been long accepted, Kathri, yet do not assume that life here indulges our conscience. Never assume we would not desire to be amongst our own again someday, and pass upon Cezia, as had been our childhood expectation."
That was news to the captain. "You would go back?"
Ara's lips turned up, but he said no more on it. Instead, he nodded toward the floor. "Her conscience was meant to bear upon her, as well, it would seem."
At that moment, Anai raised herself to a hand then sat up. Ara immediately lowered himself by her and touched her temple. Their eyes met, and then reflected... Ara moved back to kneel as Anai finally disengaged her contact with the woman below her. Looking up at the captain, she smiled briefly and nodded with a blink. Janeway's shoulders relaxed, but she still waited.
Anai motioned her welcome to the Doctor, who immediately came down to examine his patient. "Her readings have all returned to normal," he said with pleasure. "She is regaining consciousness."
Indeed, within a few more seconds, her eyes opened and she drew a deep breath. It took her a moment to realize where she was and why she was on the floor. But upon the completion of the telepathic procedure, Anai had been careful to update and warn her. The Desalian knew her dear friend's temperament all too well.
"Only take care when first you look at your hands," Anai added and waved at the other man waiting.
Alec came to her then, kneeling with a smile and wondering eyes. She wondered, too--wondered how he would handle their relationship from there, with her as she was. He seemed to want to remain with her despite anything she might say--or be. But then, as Ara often liked to point out, they always did.
"I regret this already," Susik whispered, but sighed a little smile onto her face as she allowed Alec to help her to sit.
February, 2007
© D'Alaire M.